Apply This Mindset When Strengths Go Rogue
There are two sides to strengths. On one hand, they create value, thus creating a gateway to being accepted, belonging, and being of value to others. But strengths can also have a dark side if they are over-used. Instead of helping, they end up hurting … instead of equipping, they end up diminishing … instead of furthering the cause, they end up throwing a wrench in the works.
Gallup uses the terminology of Balconies and Basements to describe the difference between strengths at their best, and strengths at their worst.
The Biology of Balconies and Basements
Our biological state can have a lot to do with this best-to-worst variance. When in the Blue Zone of calm-connect/flow-flourish, our cognitive and relational abilities are enhanced. This permits strengths to generate ease, productivity, and wellbeing. In this state, strengths operate strategically and serve as “Balconies.”
Conversely, when in the Red Zone of fight-flight, strengths can become “Basements.” Our focus becomes narrow—like a racehorse wearing blinders, we can’t see the big picture. The broader periphery fades and we are dependent on someone else to see the strategic landscape. And because cortisol is spiked or sustained beyond what is good for us, a strength when used in the Red Zone becomes a caricature of its original essence—forced, overdone, and even contorted.
For example, the Balcony of the Analytical strength allows people to think through all the facts that affect a situation; yet as a Basement, it can turn arrogant or miss the human side of the equation. The Balcony of Adaptability creates an ability to be flexible; yet as a Basement, it turns to indecisiveness and lack of progress.
Upon recognizing that our strengths have gone rogue, it’s not unusual to feel bad—embarrassed, misunderstood, sad, frustrated, ashamed. These feelings often just cue up another round of being in the Red Zone.
It’s Not Your Fault…We’re All Wired This Way!
Don’t feel alone. Every human being on the planet has a tendency to over-use strengths.
Consider this biological-evolutionary hypothesis: If strengths give us a sense of value and belonging, then using them is based in an evolutionary drive to be accepted, appreciated, and included in our “tribes”—families, teams, friend groups, communities.
Yet in times of stress, our biological fight-flight reaction diminishes our cognitive abilities. And so we slip into default behaviors that make us feel safe—the familiar, reliable strengths that brought us acceptance and appreciation in the past. Unfortunately, they are used without the benefit of strategic thinking and relational engagement (the two key ingredients that often disappear in a fight-flight state).
And thus, Balconies turn to Basements, as strengths are over-used, warped, and distorted. Analytical rigor becomes analysis-paralysis; empathetic caring twists into drama-trauma; the reflective insights of intellection sink into rumination; and so on.
The Mindset of Compassion is the Way Out of the Catch 22
Self-compassion is the way out! Why? Because self-compassion shifts the body’s biology out of the Red Zone of fight-flight toward the Blue Zone of flow-ease. The steps in the table below can offer a self-compassionate path out of strengths in the Basement and back to strengths in the Balcony.
Our theme for the month is CONNECTION. Especially as many are still experiencing shelter-in-place conditions, or navigating the after-shocks of the pandemic and societal shifts.
The last few months with the pandemic have been full of polarities and paradoxes.
What do you want?
Picture this: You’re working at full tilt, nose to the grindstone, and you hear some version of the message, “you need to do more with less.”
Welcome to a brand new decade! We’re guessing that goals are likely top of mind!
Uncertainty. We all face it—both the people you coach and you, personally.
The coaching world lost a beautiful presence and powerful voice with the passing of Patricia Reich this past week.
We’ve all heard of the proverbial “elephant in the room.” As we dig into ICF Competency #8 of Creating Awareness, let’s zero in on another manifestation of that elephant. It’s the elephant in our BRAINS!
The old saying “elephant in the room” implies that there is an issue that is so big, or complex, or unmanageable, or unsolvable that it’s simply easier to pretend it doesn’t exist. In other words, ignore it, and it will go away!
Have you ever been asked a question you knew the answer to but froze?
We can playfully consider these brain modes that may be driving our listening:
It’s November. Thanksgiving is around the corner. It even hits “early”—in the third week of the month instead of the last. Are you ready? November. It’s here. The month of gratitude, thanksgiving, abundance.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve been my toughest critic. When things are going well, leave it to the backseat driver in my brain to remind me where I fall short. And when things are NOT going well…yikes. These are the things you need to remember when your inner critic starts piping up:
For years, I operated in high gear, busy-mode, proudly wearing my “busy badge.” Like a martyr, I would tell others about my 80-hour workweeks and how much I accomplished from day to day.
If you’re working with clients who are in job search mode, they’ll want to be sure to have enough interviews in their pipeline! More interviews mean more options. Too often, people in career transition pin all their hopes on just one interview, thinking their ship has come in, only to see it turn into a sunken dream. If you see clients who are experiencing this scenario, you know it can really take the wind out of their sails. On the other hand, there is nothing more empowering than having options.
What the Employer Looks For:
Positivity. Perseverance. Gratitude. There is much to be said for these traits. They are proven, brain-friendly strategies that boost perspective, resilience, and success. They can shift me from an attitude of “I have to do this” to “I get to do this.”
As a child, I made my decisions about the world quickly and assuredly. I gave things one chance and if it wasn’t all it was cracked up to be, I wouldn’t touch it again with a 10-foot pole for years. I once saw a fisherman gut a fish on a pier, which was, as you can imagine, HORRIFYING. I didn’t eat fish and chips for two years after that. Also on my blacklist included the dark, the vacuum cleaner, Chuck E Cheese, and roller coasters. Actually, let me clarify that last one – anything with a slight change in elevation.
Numerous researchers in the field of positive psychology have learned that gratitude impacts many areas of our lives, as the infographic to the right shows:
Failure is an ugly word. It comes equipped with pointy fangs, twisty horns, and a dark cloud around it. And it probably has really bad breath. Yuck. 
When I was much younger my mom had this habit of putting her keys in a different place each night. Each morning we would be on our way out the door and my mother would exclaim: “I can’t find my keys.” Which led to her running around the house opening cabinets, drawers, looking under the dog’s bed, and everywhere else she could think of. Unable to find her keys she would offer me a quarter if I could find them. At that age, I thought a quarter was a pretty big deal! I had this knack for finding her keys even if she put them in the freezer or the flower pot in the backyard. I just had this sixth sense about where her keys were and usually, I was able to find them in no time at all and we would be on our way.
Throughout life, we never stop growing. I’m not talking about that Christmas cookie weight gain, I’m talking about the brain. Growth can sometimes look a lot like struggle, but it always leads to a stronger and more enlightened you. Let’s take a couple minutes and G.R.O.W. together.
Reach: Visioning is an important coaching technique that engages the neocortex (the center of higher mental functions in the brain). To vision is to imaginatively project yourself into the future to set goals.
Do you remember the days when you sat in class, staring at math problems or a dissected frog, holding your chin in your palms, thinking, “when am I ever gonna use this?” I learned a lot during childhood that I never ended up using, but something I didn’t learn from school was what my strengths were and how to use them. If I did, if we ALL did, we could equip our next generation (and ourselves) with the skills to navigate life from a position of confidence and creativity. Instead we got Calculus.
Fear can often be a feeling that overwhelms us, or causes us to withdraw, or causes us to become defensive.
Fascinating research on canines reveals that your dog can tell the difference between being told “good-boy” in a neutral tone vs “good-boy!” with a praising tone. That’s right.
I’ve been both naughty and nice this year, but I imagine that’s the case for every one of us who share 23 pairs of chromosomes!
Shame. It’s an ugly word. It’s not something I’ve liked to talk about. But I’ve changed my mind on the topic lately.
I was sitting on my couch the other night, watching Dancing with the Stars and staring in awe as Sasha lifted Simone high above his head and twirled her around his shoulders. They worked in perfect synchronicity; never missing a beat and landing safely every time. It was easy to see that even though she was flying through the air, she was never in any danger of falling. I sat there amazed of their absolute trust and connection with one another.
By: Rebecca Potts, Academic Services Coordinator
A coaching colleague recently passed along a reframing technique from Blue Ocean Brain. The technique involves creating “
I binged on TEDx Talks this past weekend. One title really caught my attention:
Last month, my boyfriend and I went on a road trip. He told me about an awesome “shortcut” that we just had to try out, and, sure enough, we ended up 10 miles down a pothole-ridden, dead-end back road with no cell phone service and an extra 45 minutes added to our drive time. We drove back down the road, bouncing over dips and craters, me fuming in the passenger’s seat because we were late, and him trying to convince me that it didn’t matter.
Creating your life is like decorating your house. You look around and think, hmmm, that blank wall needs something…what might look good there? And then you get an idea or start looking around at options and, voila, find something. Sometimes you decide to tweak it. Sometimes it’s just perfect right out of the gate.
>> If you are going on a 50-mile journey, do you berate yourself at mile 1, and mile 2, and mile 7, and mile 37 because you’re not there yet?
“I’m just in a bad mood.”
Confession: I just micromanaged a relationship, and it did not end well. Here are some insights from my experience!
Do the people you live with, work with, or coach cling to negativity? If so, there may be a few reasons they do. Consider these possibilities:
atched an interesting video by educator Becky Bailey who discusses “three states of the brains” that impact our behavior. She outlines them and their functions as follows:
The “negatives” in our lives—negative circumstances, people, thoughts, feelings, habits—are rarely things that we would choose or embrace. And yet, they show up. And the longer we try to ignore them, the longer they tend to stay.
“How’s your job search going?”
Memories can appear from out of nowhere. The brain can bring them up in 1/16th of a second. We may see, smell, hear, think, taste, or feel something and it mysteriously serves up a memory that discourages and derails us.
Cognitive dissonance—the discomfort that comes from holding two competing beliefs—can create a stall or standstill for your coaching clients.
I often say “You have everything you need, right now.” Sometimes, that statement can be hard to wrap our heads around because we are so conditioned to look for the MATERIAL evidence that we have what we need. But “everything you need” encompasses more than just the material. It is our thoughts that lead to the creation of the material, so let’s start there.
I watched one of my favorite foodie movies this weekend, Julie & Julia. Based on Julia Child’s start in cooking and intertwined with blogger Julie Powell’s 2002 challenge to cook all the recipes in Child’s first cookbook.
Universalizing is a process where we take one “bad” situation and allow it to seep into every circumstance. For example,
“I missed two items on the exam.” I heard this from a coaching student last week. He smiled and went on to say, “the perfectionist in me wanted to get 100%.”
At the root of these concerns is a sense that “I am not worthy … I am not enough … I am not needed.”
If you were to invent a holiday, what would you celebrate?
It is life-changing to have someone in your life who “gets you.” Someone who sees you and understands you and believes in you.
Valentine’s Day – “V” Day – is good, right? It’s an opportunity to remind those around us of our love and appreciation.
Is your Brain in the mode of “Duality Thinking”? Duality thinking sounds like, “me vs you,” “us vs. them,” “one group vs. another.” We see Duality Thinking played out in teams, in business, in families, and more.
I started teaching a new coaching class recently, geared toward coaches in university/B-school settings. Co-facilitating with Ellen Bartkowiak, we did a fun icebreaker, asking this question:
When you’re having a coaching conversation with a leader*, notice how many times he or she uses the word BUT. And then, notice how many times you use the word BUT.
If you’re coaching employees within your organization who want to get promoted yet aren’t quite ready to get promoted, what do you do? The situation may stem from an employee who is a Millennial that wants to see promotions happen fast, or the employee may be someone who’s been with the company a while and feels that seniority should qualify him/her for a promotion.
Have you or your clients ever felt like Life had you in a “vice grip”? A vice grip is something unpleasant that you (or your clients) would love to get out of, and yet you can’t!
The Rat Race usually conjures up images of a draining work routine, devoid of purpose and rife with pressures to deliver or be ditched.
Einstein was brilliant, as we know. So brilliant that at the age of 16, two years earlier than his classmates, he sat for entrance exams to get into the prestigious Federal Polytechnic School in Zurich. But he flunked. Sort of. He excelled in the physics and mathematics segments, but he failed the non-science subjects.
Ever try to tame your thoughts? There are reports on the internet that we think some 50,000 thoughts a day, apparently according to the National Science Foundation, but I haven’t found the research to back that up.
Stuff happens. And it’s easy to think that things are just random incidents. Maybe so. Maybe not.
Up your alpha waves! A recent study from the University of North Carolina (UNC) School of Medicine found that introduc
Try it. Just 1 minute. Then notice what you notice. Most likely, a greater awareness of abundance.
The clocks changed one week ago today. Do you notice it still? Chances are you did for the first day or two, but by now, you’re probably in the swing of things. You barely notice that getting up at 7am (or 6am or 5am) is really getting up at 6am (or 5am or 4am) on your body clock, right?
Consider these two types of questions when it comes to talking with your colleagues, employees, managers, friends, and more. Each type of question has a very different impact on how our brains respond!
What’s on your wish list this season? Techno-tools? Trendy gadgets? Time with family?
The business world worships brains! It revels in the brain’s ability to quantify, analyze, sequence, strategize, execute. A big brain is brawn in the business world.
So here’s the connection for our own lives as executives and leaders. We were designed with our own “morphine button.” For alliterative purposes, I call it the “dopamine drip.” Our body’s natural neurochemicals—such as dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin, endorphins—can flood our systems and enable us to feel better.
If you watched the news lately, you know that the Pope visited America last week. I have a different faith tradition, yet truly appreciated seeing him conduct mass at Madison Square Garden, talk to Congress, feed the poor.
We met up with her new roommates and the roommates’ parents to tackle the enormous showroom floors at Ikea. Here’s a picture of all three roommates (and all three moms) testing out a couch that we settled on.
Ugh. #sigh “Seriously?!”
